I’m screwed!

by Nide Zimemo Stannard

“It’s not about telling people what is right or wrong, because there are very few absolutes, but rather about proving a frame to operate within”James Van Praagh


Why on earth would I read a James Van Praagh book about life after death right before my surgery? Knowing all the doubt I have in myself when it comes to making sound decisions, it is not the dying on the surgery table I am  concerned about, it’s the loud pounding of my heart that I want to slow down. For most of my existence, I have been surrounded by the notion that one should pray to a deity when feeling overwhelmed with fear or doubt.


“In actuality, God is a formless multidimensional reality much like electromagnetic waves that pass through space” James Vann Praagh



As I sit at the waiting room to be called in, I’m suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to go take a shit.Crap! Now I feel the need to pee. Maybe if I sat on the toilet, I might get inspired by a piece of literary warming advice that I have read in the past, so I wheeled myself to the waiting room bathroom.Why when I pull up to the bathroom this is the sign I see:


What are the odds that a headless gentleman is allowed to share a bathroom with a gentle lady. If that is not a good sign for me, then I don’t know what is. I must have sat on the toilet for hours (15 minutes to be exact) and nothing happens. Don’t you hate it when that happens?


Now I’m back in the waiting room.


“Spirituality is how one expresses one’s spirit. Religion is a set of rules and limitations that are placed on an individual’s spirit. The first is natural and infinite; the latter is a human construct and finite” J.V.P

Get out of my head James, this is neither the time nor the place to have an internal debate about the existence of a deity. I hear my name being called to go in and be prepped. Wait a minute, I’m not ready. I have not found the right ‘scripture’ to soothe this fear. Now I really feel like I need to take a shit.


All gowned up and waiting for the surgeon to come talk to me, but wait, I’ve got to take a quick selfie:



She holds my hand and kisses some fears away. I watch how she interacts with the doctors, nurses, anesthesiologist. She does this thing when she is involved in a conversation, she will spend the majority  of the conversation eye-locking with me instead of the other party who probably is hearing the story for the first time.  I like it when she does that. My heart rate calms down tremendously.


The synergy and the sequence of this morning’s events have led to this moment. The nurses, the anesthetist and doctor, my partner by my side [as she constantly texts friends and family on my behalf letting them know I was ready to be cut open…again], all this brought an enormous sense of confidence and calm that I was in the right place, doing the right thing at the right time. I did not need to pray. I am in control of my fears. Of all the religions in the world, she is my favorite religion. I am not screwed after all!



  1. Keronyuza Ronyuza · February 19, 2015

    You not screwed the mind has a tendency to play games when you need it the most, you got support and you are confident.

    All is well you got it you know it.


  2. Through the Looking Glass · February 18, 2015

    I really hope you’re well and not as screwed as you feared you might be. Take care 🙂


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